If we really want to get rid of suffering, completely and totally, then clinging has to go. The spiritual path is never one of achievement; it is always one of letting go. The more we let go, the more there is empty and open space for us to see reality. Because what we let go of is no longer there, there is the possibility of just moving without clinging to the results of the movement. As long as we cling to the results of what we do, as long as we cling to the results of what we think, we are bound, we are hemmed in. Meditating on No-Self: A Dhamma Talk (Edited for Bodhi Leaves), by Sister Khema(1994)

Sunday, August 19, 2012

Unwholesome, Impatient, Learning

Ran Thursday, Friday and Saturday the usual mileage.  Just trying to run.  The pace of the runs has improved and some of that could be related to just running and not getting ahead of myself on each run or the day after.  Also, staying mindful following the breath on those three days was fairly good.  Some unwholesome thinking on each of the runs but noticing that and returning to the breath was very 'efficient' for lack of a better word.  All in all those three days were quite good.

But, nothing is permanent and all is impermanent.  Today I went 12k as planned.  Followed the breath nicely for about 12 minutes.  My mind just exploded for almost the entirety of the rest of the run. Of course you have no control of the mind and all things come up but on some days I have a much better ability to return to the breath and to wholesome thoughts.  Today was not one of those days, I had all kinds of epically bad thoughts, constantly.  These things would last for however long, I would see them, I would return and it wouldn't be one minute before my mind was back to just ridiculous thoughts.  Some involved fear, some involved anger, some involved ego, they just went on and on. 

I was really nasty in my head, lots of  ego and anger in the way.  I've been done for about 2 hours now and have had time to meditate on it some more and I seem to have worked through various things.  One thing I can say is all those thoughts made me want to even practice more.  They just didn't feel good and half of them weren't even real, just made them up.  Learning again that the mind does what it wants and you don't own or control it, but you can just work on the breath and go through the truths.  One of those truths is that craving, ego, hate, anger, delusion cause suffering within, that is true.

I feel better now.  It turns out the run was more than just a run.  Every second is new.

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